Different kind of fun

Handsome and I had a good conversation about my blog posts. However, I didn't feel I got into the heart of my problem or fear, until the day after we got back from our July 4th vacation with his family. 

I realized that Handsome did everything he could to show that he wants to be here with me and yes, it is natural to wish to stay in Europe longer because it was action-packed. It hits me finally that I was afraid that I wasn't fun enough for him to come home and enjoy time with me. 

I am not a musician. I am his wife. I remind him of responsibilities and duties. Who wants to go home to that? I wouldn't. How can I keep the "action-packed" and positive feeling in our marriage? I talked with him that I felt I am competing for his attention. He understood that he had to balance his time with music responsibilities (mm, so music has responsibilities not just me?) and with his marriage. I told him that will be always a struggle. It won't go away. It is a natural way of life, finding balance in everything. 

I finally were able to explain my fear to him... Handsome is so good in listening. I told him I felt that I am in a low level of fun, enjoyment for him while SubRosa is a high level of thrill. I felt depressed that I will not able to match that level. 

I had to leave the room crying my emotions out. Relief and understanding replaced my confusion and fear. In few minutes, Handsome came to find me. We hugged and he didn't give me a solution. I think it is because it is a progress and I need to trust him that he will want to come home to me every time he goes away on a tour. 

"Married to a Musician" - Google Search

Wait, his wife is deaf? But he is a musician!

I wonder this question often. How did I end up marrying a musician? It just felt right. I have no better explanation.

Like the Preamble story, I was the deaf queen. My husband was the hearing newly king. In real life, I am an elementary teacher in the deaf school with deaf children. I use my hands to communicate more than my voice. I use my eyes to understand my world through books, pictures, captions in videos, and American Sign Language. 

My handsome uses his voice more than his hands, unless he is at home with me. He uses his hands to talk with me so there is minor margin of misunderstanding. He is an aspiring musician, and recently this year, he has been touring for the first time since we got married few years ago. 

You know, him being a musician wasn't a problem for me. I loved that he is so passionate about it. I supported him through 4 CD recordings; it means 4 of 3 months of long days and nights of recordings. He still find some time for me to chat and keeping each other on the same page. I was proud that he completed his Associates last semester. He was accomplishing things he enjoyed doing. 

I also have my own passions to pursue: education and community. I get involved with different organizations and encourage the community to do things together. I love my work as a teacher. I wouldn't trade for anything. I found my place in the world.  

I feel safe to say that before I married Handsome, I was settled and completed with my life. When I married Handsome, I felt I was gaining another completed person. We weren't halves to made complete. We were wholes to radiate light of completion.

Handsome were still finding his place in the world when we married. He was healing from his previous damaging marriage and was determined to improve his life for the better. His dream was to be a musician. He was involved with a local band, Huldra and still is. He then joined another band and set up StarGrazer. His confidence was increasing and his sense of direction became clearer. It also became clear that my dream of having children is not happening soon... (That will be in another post)

We were building as a team. We went through numerous obstacles of communication, difference in our cultures (deaf and hearing cultures are different, believe me), direction in our lives, and different issues from families and friends. We held on each other's love and reminded ourselves that we are a team. We need to stick together through thick and thin. We made through most of those obstacles. 

There is one obstacle I am struggling right now. Finding the balance between me being a musician's wife and him being my husband. Since he signed with SubRosa, things are slowly changing and I am denying the changes and now the changes are staring at me with its knowing eyes, "Lady, you gotta do something."

I find some articles -- Pity Party article validates my frustrations and helps me know that I'm not alone in this struggle. I don't agree with everything this article said... so I looked on another article - The Elephant article was about surviving through being married to a musician. I appreciate her tips but the number 9: "Accept That You Come Second" was hard for me to swallow. I knew this is true. I didn't want it to be in practice. I don't know if I can keep accepting this for the rest of my life. But I am pulled at the thought that it is like his job. I can't say no to him if he has gigs or tours to do. But where is the balance in that? I do share responsibilites outside of my job and I try to make sure I am available to do things with Handsome. I know he does try to make time before he left for Europe in June but now we are in between tours... what will he fill with during the gap between the tours?

Then I read the Musician's Perspective article. It was refreshing to see the other side of story. It was valid in many ways. I can see myself listening Handsome saying many things from this article. I appreciate that musicians do recognize the need of balancing but they don't really put ideas of how to make it work. The attitude of the article was a little disturbing as in "well, if my spouse is not valuing my effort, let her/him be gone!" But the extreme opposite perspective made me think little more about my side.

I concluded my search for answers in the Google world with this well written article by a seemly matured woman, "Musician's Wife" (my inspiration for this blog). She pushed me to think what is my marriage's foundation. What are our fall-back-on values? It gives me hope to see another wife going through a similar thing as I do. If she can do it, I can. The trick is knowing how.

I was first denying -- my first stage of accepting changes... then the Pity party brings the anger: the second stage. I don't want to be the wife who works hard as a breadwinner then comes home to find extra chores to do then have sex with him. But I know that concept doesn't apply right now because I am on my summer break. I am not working all day...  but he will be touring in fall and spring. It will come up sooner or later.

The Elephant makes me feel in my third stage: Bargaining - I wanted to justify my actions and thoughts or come up with ideas how to make peace with his current situation and -- being a martyr. But I know it is not the right thing to do... debasing myself is not right. Or making myself as a victim. He and I are equal partners in this marriage. Both of us should have the inputs and worth in the changes in our lives.

The Musician's Perspective article brings me to the fourth stage: Depression. I felt there is no way I can create a win-win situation. It feels like it is either my way or his way... where is "our" way?

Then the Musician's Wife comes in and brings me some light in the tunnel toward the fifth and desired stage: Acceptance. I am not completely there yet because I need my husband on my side when I arrive at the stage. 

I hope soon we will arrive on the same place together.

Preamble

Once upon a time, there was a deaf princess who believed her future prince would be deaf and ordinary with sweet and kind personality. She has been born deaf and didn't know what is like to hear. It didn't bother her a bit. She enjoyed the silence and used her eyes to enjoy the colors of her world. She uses sign language to communicate. Fingers moved to convey meanings. Facial expressions conveys the tone of her language. As she grew up in her deaf world, she became educated and found a way to be a queen without a king to rule her kingdom after her parents gracefully passed away of old age. They left her with wisdom and guidance in how to rule the kingdom with a gentle heart but with a firm mind. 

One day she was walking through her beloved forest which ranged behind her castle, she saw a woodsman finishing up in moving the logs from the trail. She started to sign, "Hi! Is it a beautiful day?" He startled and moved and half bowed awkwardly. She touched his shoulder to have him stand up and repeated her question. He shook his head and pointed to his ears, showing he doesn't understand her. The deaf queen realized the woodsman didn't know sign language. She quickly thought back to her brief lesson about encountering people like him. Sign slowly and try to enunciate every word.

The woodsman smiled and nodded politely. Something about him intrigued the deaf queen. She decided to not pursue the speculation since the status between them are far between. As she walked away and looked back at the woodsman, the woodsman looked at her and waved. Her hand went up to her shoulder and waved politely. 

She found herself taking more walks through the same trail where she met the woodsman. Sometimes, he was there working or eating his lunch. When he could, he would sit by her and learn how to sign so he could be a better subject to the crown. Few weeks and months passed by. The deaf queen and the woodsman became friends and both were able to communicate through sign language. The woodsman didn't talk much about his past or his family. Only that his family lived far away and he didn't get to visit them very often. He seemed sad but determined to make the best of the situation. The deaf queen admire that in him, and his other traits of work ethics and value in quality work. Little she knew how his strengths could work against her.

She learned that the woodsman can hear different things and he comes from a kingdom of people who can hear: The Hearing Kingdom. Also the hearing people likes to make noises and they call it music. She couldn't understand what music meant until one day, the woodsman surprised her with his beautiful wooden hollow stick with strings during one of their walks together. They stopped and sat on a huge flat rock by the moat. The woodsman asked the deaf queen to put her hand on the bottom of the wooden stick. He strummed his wooden stick and the deaf queen felt the vibrations from the strings to the wood. She became fascinated and kept her hand on the wood. He played an upbeat song. She glimpsed of why the hearing people liked this noise because it had rhythms, just like dancing. How she adored dancing during the seasons ball. They had dance festivals during every change of a season in her kingdom.

She gained appreciation of what the woodsman tried to show his favorite thing to do; he loved to compose songs and perform but in her kingdom, there are not many people who would appreciate his music since it wasn't loud enough or doesn't have drums included.One sunrise brought a new change for the queen and the woodsman. The court was flashing lights with the crystals and candles, as a signal of someone needing the queen's audience. The queen hurried to her throne and nodded to the guards to let the subject in. It was the woodsman! She was confused why he decided to hurry and see her instead of waiting for their usual meeting in the forest. The woodsman's face was in exhilaration and jubilation. "My uncle who was a king of the Hearing Kingdom passed away without producing a heir," he explained, "which made my father the next king. It means that I am now a prince, not a woodsman." The queen consoled him about his deceased uncle but pleased for his change of luck. Still, she couldn't understand why he could have just waited until later for the news."I am sorry to hear about your uncle but I am happy for your fortune. Why does this feel urgent?"

"I want to marry you. Now I feel I am worthy of your companionship."The whole court was silent, holding their breath. The queen, shocked but impressed with his bravery, gasped with giddiness. "Yes! Yes!"They rushed to each other and hugged. Every eye but those two were widen with disbelief. Their thoughts were, "How can it be? They are so different from each other. How would this work, she a queen and he a prince. She is from the Deaf Kingdom and he from the Hearing Kingdom." They nevertheless cheered half-heartedly and their eyebrows were crooked with puzzlement.

After the wedding, they have decided to create a small cottage in the woods on the border between the Deaf and Hearing Kingdoms. They went their own castles during the day and rode to the cottage during the night. The routine works well for them and they were happily married. The prince gets more attention for his music in his kingdom. He was a devoted prince to his subjects. His subjects loved him.  The queen continues her work as a kind and wise ruler.

Happily Ever After... until his father's heart stopped. Their world they carefully planned out became the plan of obstacles instead of happiness. The prince was crowned the king of the Hearing Kingdom. The cottage became an unsure grounds. The queen started to wonder... what are the values they shared? What do they have in common? How they can coexist and still fulfill their responsibilities as rulers? Will they still have the daily walks through the forest to keep their love grow?