Different kind of fun

Handsome and I had a good conversation about my blog posts. However, I didn't feel I got into the heart of my problem or fear, until the day after we got back from our July 4th vacation with his family. 

I realized that Handsome did everything he could to show that he wants to be here with me and yes, it is natural to wish to stay in Europe longer because it was action-packed. It hits me finally that I was afraid that I wasn't fun enough for him to come home and enjoy time with me. 

I am not a musician. I am his wife. I remind him of responsibilities and duties. Who wants to go home to that? I wouldn't. How can I keep the "action-packed" and positive feeling in our marriage? I talked with him that I felt I am competing for his attention. He understood that he had to balance his time with music responsibilities (mm, so music has responsibilities not just me?) and with his marriage. I told him that will be always a struggle. It won't go away. It is a natural way of life, finding balance in everything. 

I finally were able to explain my fear to him... Handsome is so good in listening. I told him I felt that I am in a low level of fun, enjoyment for him while SubRosa is a high level of thrill. I felt depressed that I will not able to match that level. 

I had to leave the room crying my emotions out. Relief and understanding replaced my confusion and fear. In few minutes, Handsome came to find me. We hugged and he didn't give me a solution. I think it is because it is a progress and I need to trust him that he will want to come home to me every time he goes away on a tour.